A Bridge Too Far
by Random Guise
Summary: A different take about that bridge in Moria that the Fellowship has to cross in LOTR, all because I misheard a word on the radio and it gave me an idea. I mean, what else can you do with 'Balrock' anyway? I don't own these characters, and I don't play guitar. I could have called this "We'll Cross That Bridge When We Come To It."


**A/N: This whole short came about because I misheard a radio DJ pronounce 'Balrog' as 'Balrock'. I'm afraid that happens a lot. (Me miss-hearing that is, not DJ's pronouncing 'Balrog'.) Maybe the radio connection accounts for the bad guitar puns at the end. I wasn't going to repeat a movie or series but I couldn't let this one slide. Thanks to Silk Leaf for my first review I ever got, on my other LOTR story!  
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The Fellowship had enough of their skiing holiday and thumbed their collective noses at various safety councils by mading their way deep into the mines of Moria, and the coffin of Balin. There was only a short time for pondering their next move, however, when Pippin decided to test the adage that "All's well that ends well" and awoke the drums from the deep. A party of orcs joined the group of adventurers, welcoming them to the mines including a cave troll who had been appointed to particularly welcome Frodo. "I'll take a stab at it" he thought; unfortunately, due to being cursed for not forwarding chain mail to 10 friends the gesture was unsuccessful as he apparently mith'ed.

This then led to an impromptu parade between the giant pillars toward the of Bridge of Khazad-dûm. The deep drum beats set up a nice cadence for the march and the orcs that followed were very enthusiastic. The adventurers surrounded, the hundreds upon hundreds of orcs suddenly remembered they had a dental appointment (and one look could tell you it was long overdue) and they all left, leaving the Fellowship to continue hurrying towards the bridge. This they did despite the warm inviting glow growing closer through the columns as a special musical guest was coming; a Balrock according to Gandalf.

Unfortunately, due to circumstance the elevators were out of order (aren't they always?) and they had to use the fire escape which was regrettably in a state of very bad repair. Some orcs from across the chamber tried to repeatedly shore up the cracks with their arrows in an effort to help the adventurers, but due to their poor aim only hindered the Fellowship's progress. The glow was getting closer, and a faint screech of music could be heard.

As they neared the bridge Gandalf sent the others ahead while he stayed behind; upon hearing the Balrock he felt compelled to provide a helpful critique of its music. As the others safely crossed, Gandalf stood and faced the flaming Balrock. In its hands it held a fiery guitar that, as it was strummed, shot tendrils of crackling force out to strike. A chorus of lessor demons stood behind singing backup to the evil jam session.

Gandalf parried the musical attack with a wave. "You'll have to do better than that" he taunted. "Maybe you just don't have the volume of a full-grown Balrock".

This infuriated the Balrock, who was sensitive about being one of the shortest in his demon college class; it wasn't his fault his parents were below average height. He bellowed and let go with a louder strum.

Gandalf parried that as well. "I don't think volume is the trouble my friend; I do believe you're playing in the wrong key. Maybe you're tone deaf!" He loudly hummed some drinking tune he had heard at the Prancing Pony.

Higher and higher the Balrock played, a half-step higher each time as the chorus matched him. "Transpose you fools!" Gandalf suggested, noticing that cracks were developing in the bridge. With one last mighty strum of notes the bridge broke and the Balrock and the lesser demons fell to their doom below.

"Yyyyeeeeesssssss!" shouted Frodo.

Satisfied with the result, Gandalf turned and joined the others on the other side.

"Sometimes to defeat an enemy you have to continue insulting it until you find one that hits the right chord" he explained.

"…You mean you have to string him along?" asked Legolas with a deadpan look.

"…I wouldn't fret about it…" added Aragorn as he quickly looked away.

"…I'll make a note of it" finished Merry as he studied his shoes.

"One does not simply compose puns like that" said Boromir with a sigh.

The End


End file.
